Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
#growingpains
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow