Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of dlicj's best tweets

@dlicj : my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word "Boss" written on it

@dlicj: pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

@dlicj: r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

@dlicj: wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I'll take 2 garbages out tonight

@dlicj: my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

@dlicj: me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we're "on" for work every day mon-fri

@dlicj: [at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

@dlicj: This kinda thing happens to me often

@dlicj: flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me