@dlicj

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

@dlicj

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

@dlicj

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

@dlicj

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

@dlicj

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

@dlicj

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

@dlicj

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

@dlicj

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

@dlicj

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice