Great game to play with friends
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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”