I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.