@dmc1138 If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
@dmc1138 @dmc1138 My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
@dmc1138 Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
@dmc1138 I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
@dmc1138 If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
@dmc1138 Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
@dmc1138 Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
@dmc1138 I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
@dmc1138 “How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
@dmc1138 I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.