@dmc1138
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
@dmc1138
@dmc1138
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
@dmc1138
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
@dmc1138
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
@dmc1138
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
@dmc1138
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
@dmc1138
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
@dmc1138
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
@dmc1138
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
@dmc1138
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.