*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.