I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Boom, boom, ching!
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey