Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Donating blood today to make room for more food
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Adultry does not sound fun at all