“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss