An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
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Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Waiting for the Charmin
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house