Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective