Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely