[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
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Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.