I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The three genders.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
12653.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.