“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
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Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??