“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I have a black belt in leather
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Dishonest mechanic?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.