Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.