my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
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I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Ha
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid