Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
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How does one answer this?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Dune (2021)