I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
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*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies