When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
(yawn)