Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Going to church you guys need anything
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool