My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
You Might Also Like
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I need this for my side hustle.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
when you are just born a rebel
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists