@dorsalstream: WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
@dorsalstream: CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it's just a job.
@dorsalstream: Read my skeleton's diary today. Anyone know what "loathsome flesh blanket" means?
@dorsalstream: Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
@dorsalstream: ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
@dorsalstream: OCCAM'S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM'S LAZER: pew pew
@dorsalstream: I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.