@dorsalstream

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

@dorsalstream

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

@dorsalstream

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

@dorsalstream

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

@dorsalstream

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

@dorsalstream

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

@dorsalstream

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

@dorsalstream

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

@dorsalstream

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]