@doublewenis

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

@doublewenis

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@doublewenis

My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn’t sound normal.