@dragonsorbet

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

@dragonsorbet

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@dragonsorbet

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

@dragonsorbet

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

@dragonsorbet

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes