@drankturpentine

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

@drankturpentine

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

@drankturpentine

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

@drankturpentine

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

@drankturpentine

*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*

@drankturpentine

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

@drankturpentine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

@drankturpentine

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

@drankturpentine

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate