Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of drankturpentine's best tweets

@drankturpentine : me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

@drankturpentine: a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

@drankturpentine: guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

@drankturpentine: optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

@drankturpentine: magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

@drankturpentine: ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome?

KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*

@drankturpentine: ALADDIN: *pulls up google earth*

JASMINE: this is not what I had in mind

@drankturpentine: “What can I say? I’m a sucker for old people” — butterscotch

@drankturpentine: ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board