Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@drayzze

Don’t forget: It’s never too late to start making really important life decisions based on your horoscope!

@drayzze

I’m not afraid to admit that for the longest time I didn’t really understand the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing.

I thought Netflix was for AFTER sex, so you didn’t have to talk to or look at each other.

@drayzze

*breathes* – gets heartburn

*drinks some water* – gets heartburn

*has sex* – gets heartburn

*makes a joke* – gets heartburn

@drayzze

Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups

Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now

@drayzze

I’m at my most developmentally challenged when I’m at someone else’s house trying to figure out how their lamps work.

@drayzze

This motel air conditioner has seen some things…

@drayzze

Just passed by a restaurant named “Beer and Tacos”

So it appears that Heaven really is a place on Earth

@drayzze

Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?

@drayzze

Random DM’s:

“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hello” – *blocked*
“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hey there” – *blocked*
*nudes* – *blocked*
“I have free snacks” – “Well hello there, soulmate!”