Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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Bringing home a sharpie
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Oh no
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet