Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools