Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl