it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
#ProTip
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Hit me in the face with a bird
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If looks could kill
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.