“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies