*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes