Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.