@drinksmcgee: I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.

@drinksmcgee: Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope

@drinksmcgee: [job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.

@drinksmcgee: Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

@drinksmcgee: There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.

@drinksmcgee: Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don't want to do something.

@drinksmcgee: Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share

@drinksmcgee: Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.

@drinksmcgee: Is there such a thing as "Spirit Furniture"? I think I've found mine...