@drinksmcgee: Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.

@drinksmcgee: Is there such a thing as "Spirit Furniture"? I think I've found mine...

@drinksmcgee: That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.

@drinksmcgee: I’ve found the most Canadian coffee shop in all existence.

@drinksmcgee: If Horror movies have taught me anything, it's that you give elderly people what they want or else they'll place a curse on you.

@drinksmcgee: [Speed Date]

Her: Hi! I'm Sus... wait... is that your dog with you?

*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*

Me: NEXT!!!!

@drinksmcgee: I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.

@drinksmcgee: [First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But... you’re a chiropractor...

@drinksmcgee: Trainer: I don't think you're taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*