@drinksmcgee: [Speed Date]
Her: Hi! I'm Sus... wait... is that your dog with you?
*Dog sniffs her and turns to me, shaking his head*
@drinksmcgee: I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.
@drinksmcgee: [First day as a Doctor]
Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But... you’re a chiropractor...
@drinksmcgee: Trainer: I don't think you're taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*
@drinksmcgee: If there isn't a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I'm disappointed in the agricultural sector's lack of humour.
@drinksmcgee: Autocorrect changed “romance” to “necromance” and now my tinder date is a woman who died 40 years ago.
@drinksmcgee: *girl at the end of the bar winks at me
*I wink back
*she pouts at me
*I pout back
Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!
@drinksmcgee: The clerk at the art supply store just told me they have a “Monet back guarantee”…
I’ve never wanted to hit someone more in my life.