Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
The biggest mystery of our time
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car