If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.
Someone just told me that they met the love of their life on Twitter and I haven’t been able to stop laughing since.
I miss the days when I could go and lick my neighbour’s doorknobs without fear.
Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.
Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.
Me: I got you.
Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.
When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.
When you wake up after a night of binge drinking and you can’t remember how you ended up in the situation you’re in.
I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.
Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope