@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

@drinksmcgee

Someone just told me that they met the love of their life on Twitter and I haven’t been able to stop laughing since.

@drinksmcgee

I miss the days when I could go and lick my neighbour’s doorknobs without fear.

@drinksmcgee

Canada’s method on making sure people stay home seems to be working.

@drinksmcgee

[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.

@drinksmcgee

Everything I know about raising a family, I learned from watching the Addams Family.

@drinksmcgee

When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.

@drinksmcgee

When you wake up after a night of binge drinking and you can’t remember how you ended up in the situation you’re in.

@drinksmcgee

I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.