Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope
Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.
Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.
Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.
Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share
Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.
Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…
That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.
I’ve found the most Canadian coffee shop in all existence.