@drinksmcgee

[job interview]

Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.

@drinksmcgee

Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

@drinksmcgee

There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.

@drinksmcgee

Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.

@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

@drinksmcgee

If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.