Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Are kids ever okay at all?😂