Interviewer: Have you ever laid brick before?
Me, a liar: Absolutely.
Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
There are no longer any other acceptable ways to measure wind speed.
Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.
Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share
Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.
Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…
That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.
I’ve found the most Canadian coffee shop in all existence.
If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.