@drinksmcgee: Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
@drinksmcgee: [First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
@drinksmcgee: Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
@drinksmcgee: If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?
@drinksmcgee: *catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I've collected
@drinksmcgee: *buys my kids a PlayStation 4
*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games
*starts drinking heavily
@drinksmcgee: I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:
1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don't.
@drinksmcgee: Her: I’m so glad to finally meet you. I usually don’t meet men from the internet because they could be a serial killer or something. Hahaha.
Me: Hahaha. Define “serial”.