Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.