Funny Tweeter

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Page of drinksmcgee's best tweets

@drinksmcgee : My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.

@drinksmcgee: Her: Do you have any hobbies?

*flashback to placing dismembered body parts into jars filled with formaldehyde

Me: I make my own preserves.

@drinksmcgee: I've decided that I'm just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.

In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.

@drinksmcgee: If you're going to lie about where you're from, at least try to make it sound like a real place and not something fake like "New Zealand"

@drinksmcgee: 8: Can I have a hug, dad?
Me: Sure thing.

*big hug and then 8 leaves the room

8 (talking to his brother in the other room): You’re right! He has gotten fatter!

@drinksmcgee: When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

@drinksmcgee: The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@drinksmcgee: I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.

@drinksmcgee: Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu

@drinksmcgee: Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
Me: No.