@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@drinksmcgee

Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:

3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate

@drinksmcgee

Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.

@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

@drinksmcgee

[First time ever having sex]

Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?

*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris

Me: I was born ready.

@drinksmcgee

Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Me: Percocets.

@drinksmcgee

If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?

@drinksmcgee

*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected

@drinksmcgee

*buys my kids a PlayStation 4

*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games

*starts drinking heavily

@drinksmcgee

I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:

1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.