This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:
3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate
Mumford & Sons is my favourite upholstery shop turned musical act.
Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
[First time ever having sex]
Her: So you just take this and slide it into this here. Are you ready?
*flashback to the 100s of hours I spent playing Tetris
Me: I was born ready.
Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?
*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected
*buys my kids a PlayStation 4
*kids use PlayStation 4 to watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games
*starts drinking heavily
I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:
1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.