Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I’m sure it’s fine.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
eggs benadryl
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning