I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I’m being attacked 😭
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer