Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.