*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.