Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I am all good here, 😂😉
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I feel seen.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.