@droidbears

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

@droidbears

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

@droidbears

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

@droidbears

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

@droidbears

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit