fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit