(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert