You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.