What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out