The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Oh my god
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.