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Page of dubiousgenius's best tweets

@dubiousgenius : ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let's practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

@dubiousgenius: HER: Where have you been?

ME: Watching a WWF fight.

HER: You mean WWE?

*flashback to panda fighting an emu*

ME: Eh, yeah.

@dubiousgenius: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be...or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

@dubiousgenius: Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

@dubiousgenius: So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

@dubiousgenius: WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

@dubiousgenius: Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It's almost like someone made the whole thing up.