“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
You Might Also Like
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats